And He Was Screaming It From a Speeding Garbage Truck

“I’ve been to prison!  I HAVE BEEN TO PRISON!” screamed the garbage truck driver.

Riding a bike in Philly is one thing; one challenging, deathtrap of a thing.  But now that’s cold all the time, you become much more aware of how outdoors you are.  The cars are whizzing and cursing past, and they all look like hot little mobile rooms where people sing along with their favorite tunes, as I struggle sadly in the bike lane, wondering how every street in the city is an upward 180 degree incline and why my throat tastes like it’s filling with blood.

I just finished biking across town.  It was like fighting through a warzone while gradually turning into a statue.

With that magical voyage under my belt, I’m thinking about last week.  It was…

• “Guess he’s got eight hours of piss stored up in him,” said the old man in the elevator with me and Chauncey, unprovoked.
• “Timber, get the candy wrapper out of your mouth.”
• “Timber, get the piece of dead bird out of your mouth.”
• “Timber, get what I can only assume is part of a human tooth out of your mouth.”
• KEYS.  The word exploded inside Justin’s head.  WHY DON’T I FEEL ANY KEYS?  his brain demanded.  The door was locked behind him, and Maia was already giving him that “Just WAIT until you see how much poop I’ve got stored up” look she gets after a pretty successful expedition into her owner’s show closet.  Locked out with two aggressive, whimpering boxers, it was unclear how Justin’s afternoon was going to be anything close to a positive experience.  Then the rains came.
• “That’s not how Cesar Milan does it,” said another old businessman on the street, also unprovoked.  Justin wondered silently how “Old Men with Strange Comments Day” had managed to sneak up on him for another year.
• “I’m a dog walker,” Justin said.  “You’re an adult what?” the girl asked over the music.
• The only thing funnier than putting a comically oversized stick in Timber’s mouth for him to play with is the success with which it gets girls to come talk to me.
• “Timber, get the comically oversized stick out of your mouth!  And stop choking.  He’s fine, folks.  He’s, uh… just fine.”

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